


Ouroboros: Breaking the Cycle

by angharabbit



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Drama & Romance, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-03-30 11:28:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13950612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angharabbit/pseuds/angharabbit
Summary: Ben Solo sat in the light of the setting binary suns, cross legged on the bed that had once belonged to Ben Kenobi. Calling on the discipline he had learned in his year of self-imposed exile, calming his emotions, he opened his mind and reached out for Rey's.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story will references to character deaths, and a minor character's pregnancy.

The silence in his head was overwhelming.

No Snoke.

No Rey.

Just him.

He hadn't had time to notice the silence in the aftermath of waking up without Rey to a murderous Hux, and the events on Crait.

But now he was alone, the stormtroopers having cleared out, Rey having shut him out. Gifted/cursed as he was with mindreading through the Force there was a normal background hum that came with thousands of people in close proximity on a destroyer class ship, but that was gone.

He'd faced Luke Skywalker, who had stolen for years what little sleep would come to him after Snoke's torments ended each day. He'd felt his former master die, hoping the deeply planted fear of him would vanish with his life force.

And no Rey. Bereft but not surprised, he knew how unworthy he was of sharing consciousness with her. She'd shut him out for a reason.

Autonomy was a new beast roving through his head, and his ambitions were now to be his own. He had just seen what he would do if given power, and clearly he was not to be trusted with it. His mother had been correct to divert him away from official roles.

That left him, just him the person. What did he want?

He wanted to be whole.

He'd provisioned his shuttle and taken it out in the confusion of reloading AT-AT and heavy equipment onto the star destroyer.

He chose a direction that felt right, setting no coordinates, and letting the hyperdrive engines run full steam for hours.

Tatooine came up on his control panel, and he accepted it. If that was what needed to happen, he'd go back to the beginning of the Skywalker story.

Letting the Force guide him, he landed his ship in the Western Dune Sea in the early morning light, far from the nearest settlement. Hood up over his head to protect from the elements, he disembarked with no other concern for his safety. It was novel.

The Force drew him to a building, a synstone hut that showed signs of being long abandoned. He swept sand from the door, and put his hand to the lock. He could feel that the most delicate use of the Force would allow him entrance, meant to prevent scavengers from picking the place clean.

A quick scan once he'd entered told him that he would have everything he needed while he was in his self-imposed exile, thanks to its previous inhabitant. Some equipment was in need of repair, but he had a mental repository of mechanical knowledge that didn't belong to him to draw upon.

He half-expected the legendary Force ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi himself to appear here in the last living space of the last fully trained Jedi to haunt the monstrous supreme leader of the First Order. In this hut both men became simply Ben.

But there was nothing, no ghosts, and that was the moment he could truly feel the enormity of the silence in his head.

Like the thinnest blade had been dragged across his throat, he couldn't breathe, he knew he was dying. Darkness was swallowing him, his lifeblood was pouring straight out of his fractured soul. He fell to the floor, unconscious.

When he awoke the twin suns were high, and his body ached with loss.

_Mother._

The last stone had fallen, the last tether to his old life. He had felt her passing. There was only Rey now, the other half of his being, the light to his dark, and his unworthiness of her.

He allowed himself to feel his pain, letting it drown him in wave after wave of rage and tears, alone in the desert.

Days turned into weeks, and he grew to appreciate his new home. Obi-Wan Kenobi had spent nineteen years learning to live with his grief and failure, and Ben Solo would wear that mantle for as long as it took him as well.

XXXXXX

The screaming had ended.

It had been an especially painful phase, but beneficial in the end. Cathartic, though harder on the body than the long weeks of being catatonic, of tears and bargaining, of rationalizing and making wild plans that would never come to be, of setting fire to the very sand until it melted into glass, shattering the glass into razor sharp winds that would sweep away the scrubby plants that dared grow.

For the past few days whenever the pain overwhelmed him he'd let it loose and raw, gut wrenching screams that tore apart his voice and helped release the pain.

There, while he was lying flat on his back in the nothingness of the desert, blinded by the brilliant sunset he shared with no one, voicing his regrets to the void, he felt the first peep of Rey's presence. It was like she'd opened the door that she'd slammed shut by just enough to peek at what he was up to, and then swiftly close it back up.

Left alone to do nothing else, he'd become familiar with the dark recesses of his mind, places he'd once labelled  _there be dragons_  and avoided.

He found the door Rey had shut, found it closed and secured like she'd shifted all her mental furniture against it. If he concentrated, he was sure that now that he'd located it, he could blast right through it into her mind. But he wouldn't.

Routine followed routine. Evening mealtime came and he prepared the same meagre rations as every night.

He broke his bread, thinking not for the first time of the food Rey ate as a slave, of what his grandfather's meals had been like as a slave on this very planet.

One time he had admired, worshipped Darth Vader's ambition, but older and potentially wiser, he wondered how many times older Anakin would have prayed to change his exalted place in the Empire with any slave who broke bread with his beloved every night.

After a lifetime of Snoke grooming him into monstrosity, there were few things he could do to make amends for his actions. There was still time with Rey, and only Rey.

If he could sit by her side and share his simple meal with her, her companionship would be valued higher than anything he'd had, real or perceived.

The second phase of his life on Tattoine began that night, as he moved from the howl to the preparation. He must make himself ready to rejoin Rey in any capacity she would have him. They had been separated for nearly a year.

She would demand answers from him that he must be ready to provide. He must be honest, humble, and without expectation of forgiveness or understanding. He must not rely on her compassion, but her patience and reason. He knew enough of Rey to know that while she could be a loving person, her heart alone did not rule her.

That night also marked the first of the dreams.

After his arrival on Tattoine his nightmares had faded as his subconscious accepted his isolation as protection. He no longer fought drifting into helpless sleep, fearing his murderous uncle would take the opportunity to snuff out an evil he had not embraced. He no longer woke himself from dreams, afraid Snoke would view his deepest desires.

Sleep was his own now, and for months he'd laid himself down at night and woken refreshed in the morning. He hoped Rey had been able to do the same, remembering her exhaustion and anxiety.

Tonight, however, there was a dream, but it wasn't his own.

There was a rocking sensation that took him time to remember. He'd felt it as a child when he'd spent the day in a small boat, and then lay down for bed, only to find his mind still thought he was gently tipping back and forth.

Rey dreamed of a chain of dozens of tiny islands connected by small clear lakes. Enormous trees circles the mirror bright water. She was alternating paddling across the lakes, portaging across the island, over and over as the sun rose and fell. In her dream she sought the night, like it would come after just the next step, just the next shoreline. When darkness finally came she wrapped herself in a heavy black cloak and leaned against the trunk of an ancient pine and slept. She'd rouse, look around, and drop out of the dream as if she had woke herself.

Ben knew those dreams, dreams where you dreamed of sleep and then upon discovering you had achieved it, feared it. It's how his every dream had been until this year.

_Why is Rey afraid to sleep? Is she worried about me intruding?_

Her defenses against him did appear to be weakening. Out of respect he made no effort to communicate with her first, but the dreams began to crack through to moments during the day when she'd slip, and he'd see the her paddling or moving foot over foot across the mossy undergrowth of the forest, canoe on her back.

This kept up for a week. He felt her absolute exhaustion, her hunger. Her distress pained him. Something inside her was worse than the unmet needs of her body. Finally, one morning she didn't move from her modest camp.

Ben lay in the bath up to his ears, soaking off a furious set of exercises that had left him sore.

"Kylo? Ben?" he heard softly in the air around him. Rey's voice was hesitant, polite, distant. She'd only lowered her barrier a small amount, but it allowed him to feel how much energy it cost her to keep it up. It was only strength of will that she'd managed it so long.

A surge of emotion rose in him at the sound of her voice, and it took all his newfound control to voice the words he knew he needed to say.

"I'm not ready yet, Rey. I need more time."

He felt her presence weaken, felt her hurt, but he didn't want to push her away. She was there on the edge of his consciousness, reachable but not invasive.

He wiped his face with wet hands, feeling skin on skin, hoping he'd made them right decision, hoping she'd wait just this bit longer.

During the days of the next week he walked in the hot sun, cloaked in the pale brown robes he'd begun wearing from Kenobi's closet when his own black garments had become insufferable.

His mind worked out these final problems.

 _Answers. Training. Identity. Move forward. Expectations_.

Sometimes he saw her before him in the desert, like a primitive hologram made of brutal orange light. She danced through forms with her staff, her brain too occupied to be controlled. Sometimes he thought she saw him, but those were the moments when she disappeared.

At sunset on the last night of his mental exile he sat cross legged on his bed. He quieted the emotions within him with the practice it had taken a year to achieve, and opened his heart.

Rey was crying.

Using an agility he had not forgotten he silently assessed her physical condition, her environment, and determined her distress to be emotional.

The weight of her exhaustion, the burden she'd been carrying of the Resistance, of Luke's death, of his mother's death, of trying to keep him out when every fibre of her being longed for him. It was breaking her. He saw her loneliness reach the point where she'd needed to communicate with him even if it cost her everything.

She wouldn't demand everyone pay that price, though, not knowing what she'd find when she reached back out to him. Her present physical isolation was for the protection of her friends. She could not reach her ship without trekking for days back through the wilderness of this untamed unnamed planet, and there was nowhere for a ship to safely land unless it could land on water. In the time since she'd left the other fighters they'd have moved on, and even if he'd wanted to extract information from her it would be obsolete.

She knew he was there, but neither spoke.

Rey sat on the forest floor, pine needles and dried leaves cushioning her, filling the air with a damp tangy scent that was strong after dry sand and sun. Her arms were crossed on her knees, her face sunk into her elbows, sobs making her gasp.

Heartbroken with her, Ben sunk down, wrapping his arms around her cloaked shoulders. It felt like electricity shot through him, not painful but enough to interrupt his pulse a beat. She allowed him to gather her in, resting her head against his sternum where she could hear the throb of his life force, steady, human, fragile like hers. It was more touch than he had known since childhood. He put a hand to the side of her face, her skin clammy from tears, her hair soft with small bits of bracken.

She cried herself out, cried herself to sleep in his arms, and in her dreams he stayed with her through the night. He owed it to her to be stronger, to support her the way she had seen him through defeating his demon. She'd been right to leave him to work out his own path after, but now it was time to be by her side.


	2. Chapter 2

When dawn arrived, Ben was alone in his own bed, the tang of the cool forest air in his clothes and hair. He felt tingly remembering that he'd held Rey in his arms after all this time, provided silent comfort to her, even if it wasn't entirely real.

He wrapped himself in Kenobi's brown cloak, pulling the deep hood down over his head and face, and walking out into the sunrise. A collection of pointed sticks, each a rare find in the sparse terrain, was near the door. He took one to his morning spot, where the desert spread before him like an ocean, and the sand was fine and soft. Crouching in a place already littered with his footprints from the countless days before, he used the Force to smooth out a flat spot.

Holding an image in his mind of an island, tall trees, rocks, he simplified it to its barest lines, and then simpler and simpler. When just a few perfectly chosen lines remained in his mental picture, he took the stick and reproduced the lines in the sand. He cocked his head to the side, examining his work. Critical of the execution, he erased it and began again until he could reproduce it with his eyes closed. Only then would he try to draw the image on one of his precious pieces of paper, with the small stash of ink the old Jedi had left behind.

Looking up towards the suns, he felt Rey's presence. Backlit by orange haze, a silhouette made of fire, she hovered in the air over the rippling sand. She moved like a lithe siren, her back sometimes arched, her hands along her body and in her hair. Once his brain reengaged it took him a moment to understand that she must be washing in the lake, the newly learned effort of treading water taking all her concentration. She noticed him, and stilled. Sinking lower so that her toes almost touched the ground as if the water would hide her body, her hair floated up like a flame above a candle.

He saw himself through her eyes, a deathly figure wrapped in shadows, crouched on the shore.

Not wanting to upset her, he stood and turned his back, entering his house. After a lifetime of oversized spaces, hangars and great halls, he felt his full shape in the human scale of the little building. The grace of the warrior reduced to the oversized hands, feet, ears of a puppy, knocking that thing off the wall yet again in his distraction.

Sitting down at the table, he tried to keep his concentration on the drawing he'd planned. He took one of the blank pages he'd apologetically cut from the back of one of Kenobi's books, and charged his pen.

Stroke after stroke appeared exactly like he'd designed, until a clear picture of Rey's retreat formed.

He closed his eyes, satisfied, and found the burning silhouette was still there.

_It's normal to feel passion, and this passion isn't destructive. It's okay to feel good things,_ he reminded himself.

"Ben?" A quiet voice came from behind him. She stepped closer, peering down at the drawing from over his shoulder. He could see in his peripherals that she was dressed, her hair up in a hasty wet knot that dripped down the back of her tunic and vest.

"You're an artist."

"I've had a great deal of time to practice."

They fell silent, and he found he couldn't turn to meet her gaze.

"I'm sorry," he said, knowing there was so much more to it.

Rey set her hand on his shoulder. He couldn't see her facial expression, but he could feel twists of pain resonate inside of her. He was the cause of so much of it, as she was the cause of so much of his. Her fingers curled into the fabric of his cowl, knuckles whitening with tension, stretching the fibres.

Based on how she was feeling, Ben expected her to cry and she did, but this time he let himself join her. He stood, wrapping her in his arms again like he had the night before, but now she did the same. Small strong hands pressed against his back, squeezing him in. He let tears fall into her hair, still smelling of lake.

"I don't know where to start or where to go from here," she finally said, wiping her face on his shoulder. He drew his sleeve across his cheeks and mouth, cleaning himself up. "I didn't know how I'd feel seeing you again, but I didn't think I'd still be so connected to you after everything that's happened."

"I'm sorry," he repeated.  _For your sake, I wish you weren't. You could live a normal life, without having to choose between your life and your sanity. You wouldn't have to know what it feels like to be so broken._

She backed up out of his embrace, getting her bearings and looking him up and down.

_"You make me happy,"_ he heard clearly from her mind.

Their strongest emotions were impossible to hide, and he felt their mutual attraction, their longing, their loneliness, their confusion. Separated by their ideas, their morals, and their ethics, their hearts still beat as one.

He wanted to kiss her, to take her to his bed, to avoid the hard conversations for that much longer.

Hesitantly, Rey held her hand up to his face, breathing in little rushes. She gave him plenty of time to stop her, but he didn't. Laying her fingertips on his cheek, she closed her eyes and pushed into his mind. He gave it completely over to her, hiding nothing.

A year passed before her of animal howls and blasting dunes apart with the unlimited power he could channel, of weeping in the dark and raging at the sun, of learning that broken things stayed broken unless he fixed them, and sometimes even then they stayed broken, of grief, regret, pain, repentance, boredom, sleep, panic, of discovering he finally had the mental privacy to comfortably self-gratify, of thinking every thought possible towards Rey, worship and anger and hurt and betrayal and desire and a love that tore him down and rebuilt him, of his mother and father, of Luke and Snoke, and which one had truly made him a monster, of victims with or without faces, of fallen comrades he'd been sworn to protect, of five bands of red light that he merely watched after only token protest that looped endlessly through his dreams.

If murder split the soul, his soul was like sand.

In the end, the wound in him was open but clean, purged of infection with great pain and discomfort, and was now ready for healing. It had taken the year to draw out the poison.

Rey's fingers slipped, tension crinkling the skin around her eyes. It was an overwhelming amount of information.

"You really miss music," she said lightly, processing, but her tone grew serious. "And you knew about General Organa already."

"How did she die?" he forced himself to ask, dreading that the answer would be something he had caused.

"She died in her sleep. Her heart gave out after Crait. It was peaceful."

He swallowed hard, reaching for Rey's face as she had his. He needed to see it for himself. Rey took his hand and placed it on her skin, covered it with both of hers.

Ben saw the body in the coffin, a memorial, a wake. A marker that was shared with Han Solo, but where they could not lie side by side. His body had been lost on Starkiller.

Pushing through those memories, he allowed himself into Rey's everyday life, to see how she lived. He shared her pleasure in a thousand small moments of discovery, of new foods, soft beds, regular bathing, unlimited fresh water, laughing with friends.

He watched her pull from his knowledge base the skills of a highly trained pilot, certifying to fly her own X-Wing in record time. His heart stopped watching her again and again engage TIEs that were likely flown by his own soldiers, the best pilots in the First Order, and the near misses that came with each sortie.

She was surprised to find herself surrounded by people who liked her, friends, allies, squad mates, and still feel lonely, isolated by her powers. Nightmares kept her awake, and the weight of keeping him out of her mind wore at her constantly.

Despite her kind words, he felt her frustration that things couldn't have been simpler for her, that she couldn't have found a kind, ordinary man to love. She was jealous of FN-2187 and his partner's uncomplicated romance. When this Rose had discovered that she was pregnant, the former stormtrooper had gladly married her, and that was that. Ben hated that he was also jealous of the foot soldier he'd once considered a traitor. They had more in common now that Ben wanted to consider.

He saw Rey at the wedding party, a small affair at a middling restaurant on an outer rim planet. It was dark, alcohol flowed, and Rey looked very pretty. Anger and self-pity battled within her until she'd realized that she was sulking.

A handsome man Ben recognized as Poe Dameron, the ace pilot he'd once interrogated, tried to cheer her up. She'd kissed Dameron while they were dancing, hoping she could feel something. At first he'd been enthusiastic, but stopped quickly when he realized that her heart wasn't in it. He'd held her while she cried in the backroom of the restaurant, finally sharing the secret of the Force Bond with someone. Ben wanted to hate the man, but Dameron had been gentle and understanding with Rey. Rey's lack of interest in the kisses came through clearly, and Ben took comfort in that, and maybe a bit in her disappointment that she couldn't so easily replace him. He would not blame her for trying to find comfort where she could.

Dameron had convinced her that if her mental fortitude was breaking down, then for the safety of the other resistance fighters, she should plan to leave until she could either control it or resolve it. He had helped her plan and arrange her next steps, which had been her journey to the remote planet where she now stood.

In the present, acting on silent thoughts, Rey and Ben held their four hands together, eyes closed.

Once again Ben saw a vision, and now he knew, only a version, of their future together.

_Fear. Fear of losing Rey so overwhelming that he choked, struggled for each breath. Watching her fly away over and over, not knowing what the next hour would bring. He wasn't helpless, he could stop her, could make her stay. He could insist they leave together, find somewhere isolated where he could be sure she'd be safe from harm. What wouldn't he do to keep her safe. Lie for her? He'd kill for her. If he still ruled the galaxy she'd be safe. All he'd have to do is take it back to protect her, make her come with him, make her accept what she once rejected. The terrible things he'd have to do would be worth it to know he would return to her arms every night._

A strange male voice rang in his head, a tortured  _no!_ that resonated through his soul.

_I will not walk my grandfather's path. I'm strong enough to love her. If Rey chooses to put herself in danger I will trust her judgment and live with the consequences,_ he thought fiercely.

Ben found Rey's eyes. They were troubled and distant, as if she was seeing something of her own play out.

"Ben, tell me about Anakin Skywalker," she asked, brow furrowed.

He chewed his lips.

"What did you see?" he asked instead, feeling turmoil radiate off her.

She met his eyes, piercing and haunted.

"I saw you love me, marry me, and murder me."

His stomach twisted.

_I'm strong enough to love her._

"I am not Vader. I've lived in that dark place and I escaped. I won't go back." He gripped her forearms tighter than he intended, his voice harsh. "Strike me down if you see me go even a step down that path, Rey. I'm trusting you."

Rey breathed in and out, he could feel her trying to centre herself. In her eyes, he looked like Kylo Ren again. Calming his own anxiety, trying to resist gathering her up and clutching her to him, he released her arms and stepped back. He was dressed simply in plain gear, face bare and expression open, but in that moment she saw the dark creature in the death mask and black robes who had hunted her through the woods, who had taken her against her will and carried her off to his ship to be interrogated.

"What would you do if I died, Ben?"

He inhaled sharply. A year ago he would have laid waste to a planet, surrendering to the pain in an orgy of destruction. With their hearts tied together by this Force-bound string, he felt like now he'd simply bleed to death, welcoming his quiet self-destruction.

She'd want him to be strong enough to carry on without her.  _I have to be._

"I'd live for the cause you gave your life for," he answered, voice hoarse. "If that's the Resistance, so be it. You have all of me, spend me where you will."

"You'd come back with me?" she asked, stunned.

"I can't fix what I've done, but I can make peace with some of it. I don't want you to have to split your energy between me and your cause anymore."

She didn't have to tell him that joining the Resistance fighters would mean all manner of indignities, she knew that he knew.

He would endure.

"It will be worth it, you'll see," she said energetically, eyes burning with hope. "And we'll be together."

"That's a critical point," he said dryly. He threaded his fingers through with hers. "Though in the short term this is already an improvement."

She glowed with a tightly coiled resolve that reminded him of their elevator ride to see Snoke.

The most beautiful person he'd ever seen, she she'd stood there on an enemy ship by her own design, shackled, about to meet her doom, and had offered to help  _him._  He'd been drawn to her mouth while they spoke, but had been holding all mental energy for the deception he'd planned against his master. If there was one point of moral pride left in him it was brutal honestly, but in exchange for Rey's life he'd offered it up.

That mouth was before him now, flushed with excitement. He bit his lips, a remnant of his fear holding him back a beat, then freed himself.

_This is a good passion. You can feel this. You're allowed to feel good things._

He kissed her without restraint, loosening his fingers on hers so that she could pull away if she wanted to. But she didn't. She wrapped both of her hands in his cowl and twisted them, pulling him closer.

_Home._

The unfamiliar sensation filled them both. Together there was peace and rest and belonging and a place where they could always find each other.


	3. Chapter 3 (The Smutty One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating changed because apparently I'm not capable of writing anything clean.

_ And then he kills me,  _ Ben could hear Rey thinking.

 

He could feel her actively trying to push the thought away, but it resurfaced, distracting her from the communion of their kiss.

 

She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, kissing him harder, until they lost balance and fell together to the floor in a tangle. Flat on his back, staring at a ceiling he'd spent too many hours memorizing, Ben addressed the problem head on.

 

"Rey, every time we've come in conflict with each other, you've won. You kept me out of your mind. You injured me up and left me for dead on Starkiller. You left me unconscious in the throne room."

 

Pain radiated from Rey, remembering, see him frightened in the interrogation room, wide eyed and bleeding in the snow, his prone body on the floor, begging to be woken. She'd always come out on top.

 

_ But in the dark, vulnerable, could he be trusted? If the darkness took him when her guard was down? _

 

Anger flared in him at her fear.

 

"I am not Luke Skywalker, to stand over your bed, ready to strike you down as you sleep!"

 

"That's not what I think, Ben," she defended.

 

"But it's what you fear, even if you don't want to," he said, hands in his hair. "So how do we deal with this? How do I prove to you that I will never harm you? How do I prove to you that even if Anakin's darkness took me, you could defeat me, put me out of my misery?"

 

Rey stood, straight backed and thinking hard. She bit her lip, an idea taking hold. A ghost of a smile crossed her lips.

 

"No," he said flatly to her thought.

 

"It has merit."

 

"I'm not comfortable with this."

 

"I want to know for sure."

 

Both stubborn, they stared each other down. The smile on Rey's face twisting a little further, she added to her plan an image that made Ben flush.

 

"Fine, but I want to be on record as saying this is a bad idea."

 

"Duly noted," Rey said, "now go get changed and find your lightsaber."

 

She turned on her heel and disappeared back to her planet to prepare.

 

Ben rubbed his hands down his face, touched his lips. He had hoped one day to kiss Rey, but he foolishly hadn't expected it to come with so much baggage.

 

"Let's get this over with," he grumbled darkly to himself, wanting it over already. He walked outside into the sweltering heat, and stretched out his hand towards a spot of desert a few minute's walk from the door.

 

Focusing on the pulse of life around him, he sculpted the Force into his tool. The ground shook like an earthquake, and his ship slowly emerged from the parting sands. He'd sunk it to protect it from scavengers, and to hide it from his sight, but it was there waiting for him.

 

Annoyed, he twitched his fingers and the door opened. He strode up the ramp and found the storage unit where his personal items had been kept. Sorting through the cabinet, his fingers touched cool silver.

 

He closed his eyes.

 

Rey would be pleased.

 

Changing reluctantly, he slowly exchanged his borrowed robes for his own tailored suit of black. The weight of the floor length cape seemed burdensome now. He palmed the helmet, tracing the lines of metal. It stared back at him, the skull of a creature he'd hoped was dead.

 

_ Why is she making me do this, _ he thought moodily, though he knew.

 

They'd have one last fight. She'd see that she was strong, that she could defeat Kylo Ren, and sleep soundly next to Ben Solo without fear.

 

He threw the helmet on, feeling the hiss of the seal. It was suffocating.

 

If she wanted to face off against Kylo Ren, he'd give her what she wanted. He'd hunt her down through the desert and the forest, lightsaber burning, make her fight, show her her own strength.

 

Activating the red blade, he stalked down the ramp. He felt for her in his mind but found the wall had returned. There was a pulse, though, a cord that couldn't be stifled.

 

He'd start with her camp and track her from there.

 

It fit like the gloves he'd discarded.

 

Running through the woods, slightly bent like a predator, with long loping strides, he hunted his prey.

 

_ Come to me, Jedi girl,  _ he taunted mentally, knowing she was close. He slunk through the trees, like Takodana all over.

 

A shimmer of power behind him caught his notice a heartbeat before blue laser swiped down near his feet.

 

"You hid that from me," he accused, the helmet speaker managing to convey his displeasure. "You kept that from my mind. What else are you hiding?"

 

He parried and slashed, the explosive red sword busy keeping track of both ends of Rey's double ended lightsaber staff. His mind filled in blanks even while they duelled. She was breathing too fast to answer, but her eyes were hard and focused while she dodged his powerful blows through the slender trunks.

 

"You're hiding the location of the Resistance base," he realized, blasting a rock out of the way. "I see how far your trust in me goes, scavenger."

 

Grabbing the Force mentally with both hands, he wrapped it around Rey, slamming her back into a tree. She raised her hands, her face darkening. His whole body froze, lightsaber stretched up over his head to make a thunderous blow that never came.

 

Ben fought her control, furious. He drew deeper on the Force, feeling darkness fill him, but all he could do was watch as she approached.

 

Rey hit the off button on his lightsaber. Running her fingers along the jaw of his mask, she tried to remember where she'd seen his fingers unlatch it that day in the interrogation.

 

He glared at her, grateful for the fresh air on his skin. She met his gaze steadily.

 

_ "You've made your point, now release me." _

 

She considered him, taking her eyes over his body and face. He could feel the strain of holding him, but she endeavoured not to let it show.

 

"You're filled with rage," she said. "That's where you get your power, isn't it? Why aren't you overwhelming me?"

 

_ "I will never hurt you, _ _"_ he thought to her. He wouldn't risk blasting her apart for this. A year in the desert has taught him hard-won restraint.  _ "Even to free myself." _

 

Rey looked thoughtful, though he could feel she was reaching the end of her ability to hold him.

 

"So then you're my prize."

 

_ "Whatever shall you do with me," _ he asked, his tone sinister.

 

"I'm not sure, but I'm very proud of myself."

 

She put a hand on his chest, raised herself up on her toes, and touched his unmoving lips with featherlight kisses.

 

A twinge in his raised arm told him that her hold had slipped. Concentrating, he threw off her control. The recoil of power pushed her back, and he took the opportunity to pin her to the mossy, stony ground with his not inconsiderable human strength.

 

"Promise me that you'll kill me if I turn," he said harshly, pulling her hands up over her head, and kissing her. She growled enthusiastically. "Promise me you'll kill me if I even think about harming you." He kissed her neck, bit her shoulder, feeling her enjoyment. "Don't let me turn into even more of a monster than I've made myself."

 

"No," said Rey, the flush of exertion from their fight deepening across her face. "No I won't, Ben. I'll fight for you." She tried to reach for him but he wouldn't release her hands.

 

"Say it!" he demanded, stealing the breath she needed to speak with his mouth on hers

 

_ "I won't kill you!" _ she yelled into his mind, wrapping her legs around his hips, eager for friction.His tongue stroked hers, his free hand opening her shirt.

 

"Promise me, and I'll give you what you want," he offered darkly. She shuddered, trying to catch his lips again. "You've wanted me for so long. All those thirsty nights with nothing but an image of me half-dressed to keep you company." Rey didn't bother refuting it, she knew he knew what was in her mind. "I'll take you right now, as many times, as often as you want, if you promise."

 

He needed her too, but he needed reassurance more.

 

_ I will be strong enough for her, but just, just in case I'm not. _

 

"I will not have you fear me, Rey. We won't live like that, we can't," he slid his fingers to her nethers, pressing through the fabric until she gasped. "I've promised that if something happens to you, I will live. Promise me that if something happens to me, you'll protect yourself and let me die."

 

He kissed her throat, her clavicle, her sternum, the hollow between her breasts, and pressed his fingers harder. She dug her fingernails into the thick black quilted coat.

 

"Take this off," she begged.

 

"No, it stays," he commanded, removing his hand from between her legs. "Say it or I go back to the desert!"

 

"I will not!" she roared, blasting him with the Force. He flew off of her into the nettles, his hair in his face.

 

Rey stood over him, almost incandescent with Force-backed rage. He swept the hair out of his eyes so he could see her in her terrible glory.

 

"I know your mind too, Ben Solo. You go back to that lonely house on Tatooine, and I will count the mere hours before you're asking to share my bed, but know that I will  never agree to kill you."

 

With a mental shove, he found himself lying alone in the sand, Rey on the other side of the galaxy. His body and heart were furious with him, his brain trying to catch up. He rolled over to shield his eyes from the unforgiving suns.

 

_ She's strong enough to fight me, _ he thought with satisfaction.

 

As that thought ebbed, he turned his attention to his aching, needy body.

 

Pride demanded that he wait for Rey to come to him, agreeing with his demand, but he knew her well enough now to know he'd be waiting a lifetime.

 

That night they sat alone on their separate worlds, but the barrier between them was thin. Ben could feel Rey shiver beside a small fire in the dark, wrapped in her cloak. She wasn't looking forward to crawling into her blankets for another damp night on the ground.

 

_ "It's warm here,"  _ he enticed. She gave a derisive sniff. He showed her images of his bed, small but comfortable, and mostly definitely off the ground and dry.

 

He felt her unwavering resolve. Physical hardship she could deal with. If being with her wasn't a priority for him, then so be it.

 

Ben took off his clothes for bed, smirking to the wall as he knew she watched his bare back emerge, his legs slide out of his trousers. He felt her thirst again, and faced her.

 

_ "Scoundrel, _ _"_ she accused.  _ "Do you have any decency?" _

 

_ "No ." _

 

She was taken aback a moment by his blunt response. Ben began to let his memories of their morning play vividly in his mind. His fingers on her core, his breath between her breasts, feasting on her neck and shoulders, and kisses rich with intimacy.

 

_ "Stop it," _ Rey said sharply, rubbing her hands down her goosebumped arms.

 

_ "I want you." _

 

_ "I'm not promising to kill you for any reason ever, Ben Solo, I don't care what my body says." _

 

_ "A compromise,"  _ he offered.  _ "You don't make me any promises about what you'll do with me if I follow in my grandfather's footsteps." _

 

_ "I sense a but. You are aware that I can feel that you want me as much as I want you." _

 

_ "Ah yes, but are you as patient? Here's my deal: when you take me to the Resistance, I will inform them of my desire to be neutralized if necessary. I have no doubt that someone like Dameron would do the job." _

 

Rey inhaled sharply, standing. Her lips were slightly parted, her breathing heavy.

 

_ "Come to me, Rey,"  _ he beckoned again, and she took an involuntary step towards him. Her firelight shone on his near-naked body. He was beautiful, and she remembered he was the same creature who had stalked her through the woods, strapped her to a table.

 

_ "I am going to bed Kylo Ren,"  _ she said the strange words to herself, though of course he could hear.  _ "The man who set my world on fire." _

 

_ "You're going to bed  _ me _ ,"  _ he corrected firmly, the words sending a thrill through him.  _ "Kylo Ren was too scared to claim you even when you offered yourself up, and was too weak to walk away from his life to keep you." _

 

Taking confident steps, he drew her to him, into the desert heat, guiding her trembling hands to touch his body. He bent down, his black hair brushing her cheeks, closing the distance between their mouths.

 

"I am not that fool," he whispered, pulling the tie that held Rey's hair back so that it tumbled down around her shoulders. "And I am strong enough for you."

 

After a year of silence, Ben found words pouring out of him, describing exactly what he intended to do with his new lover, how glorious she was, how brace and fierce, how beautiful, how she was making him feel, how he tell how he was making her feel, checking in constantly to make sure he didn't rush or push her.

 

Rey loved the sound of his voice, dark and rumbling as he unwrapped her clothes, wrapping words instead around her skin, her breasts, her thighs, breathed words into her mouth.

 

"How do you think Obi-Wan Kenobi would feel about what we're doing in his bed?" Rey smiled, followed by a moan as Ben added another finger inside her. Being naked together in the legendary Jedi's bed felt... irreverent.

 

"Supportive, obviously," he teased, kissing under her ear, trying to remember how she should feel when her body was ready for him. "He had a soft spot for the women of Skywalkers, I'm told."

 

"We should probably delay the next generation of Skywalkers," Rey groaned, flames licking through her nerves. "Do you have a plan?"

 

"Solos and Skywalkers rarely have a plan," he said, his mind distracted enough to claim names he'd long avoided. "But in this case we have a standard issue military implant in our favour. No one's heard of a pregnant stormtrooper."

 

That didn't sound quite right to Rey for some reason, but he began flicking his fingers, his thumb finding her centre, erasing the thought from her mind.

 

"Have you done this before?" she asked, arching against him, driving his hand deeper, becoming breathless.

 

"Yes, but not since the First Order," he answered honestly. "I had offers, but their minds- it was impossible."  _ Often put up to it by others, or attempting to rise quickly through the ranks by winning his favour, every proposition had been made with a heart of fear and a lust for power. _

 

Despite their earlier setback, her vision and the resulting argument, Ben could feel no fear in Rey now. Her mind was open, joyful, impassioned and something else.

 

"You love me," he accused, removing his fingers while she bit at his shoulder. He rolled on top of her before she could protest, trapping her slim athletic body with his sheer mass.

 

Remembering how excited she'd become in the forest, he pinned her hands over her head, positioned himself.

 

"You're mine, scavenger," he growled in her ear. She writhed under his grip, and in her mind he saw her desire to scratch at his back, to complete his task. There was nothing left of Kylo Ren but this veneer he'd wear for her pleasure.

 

It was a tight fit, but she was more than ready, the look in her eyes primal as she urged him on. The haze of lust cleared from his own eyes, his vision sharp and clear as he saw her below him, the room around them. How often had he laid in this bed, thinking of this, of her? The clarity stoked his pleasure. He pushed at how rough he could be with her, his words and his body losing control.

 

She locked eyes with him after a particularly shattering stroke, displayed before him with her arms still held above her head.

 

_ "More, villain." _

 

He was so close. Bringing up his other hand from where it explored her body, he took one of hers in each of his, fingers entwining. Braced that way, he gave her what she wanted: a noisy explosion that made him grateful his nearest neighbour was a day away, an explosion that locked him in place, that buffeted his brain with waves of the Force carrying her orgasm.

 

Trying to channel the more destructive power that flowed through him, he released her hands and raised himself up. One hand slammed down on the bed as he finished, pouring into her while she finally could satisfy her need to touch him. Through that hand he felt a pulse tear through the bed, the floor, into the deep rock of the foundation.

 

A heavy silence fell, the kind of silence he was more familiar with in that space. Puffs of black smoke rose between his fingers.

 

"Rey," he panted. "Are you alright?" He looked at his hand, and it was pink and blistering like a burn. He sat back on his haunches, gently sliding out, and put his good hand on Rey's hip. Her body rose and fell, her mind quiet like the surface of a serene pond.

 

"Is it always like that?"

 

He shook his head.

 

"Absolutely not. I don't know if it's because we're not really together and it was through the Force, or because it was our first time together, or if it's just how things are between us but that was..."

 

"Melodramatic?"

 

He rubbed the outside of her thighs, which still were wrapped around his hips. The burn stung, but not enough to stop touching her. His desire was undiminished by their completion, and he knew she felt the same.

 

"We can't do that at the Resistance base," he commented lightly.

 

"We'll need lot of practice," she agreed, her hands coming up to find his abdomen.

 

"We can consider it part of training. Controlling the Force under duress."

 

He fell to her side, emotional with being able to revel in her company.

 

"I'm waiting for the time when I see you and your hair doesn't look amazing," she commented, fingers running through the strands. Her hair was thinner, smoother, but was feathery soft on his shoulder.

 

Ben buried his face into her, futilely trying to hide the tears she could already feel in her heart.

 

All her defenses were down, like his had been right from the start. He knew where to find the Resistance base, their operatives, their suppliers, the missions Rey had completed. He saw that Rey and Dameron had been more intimate that night than she'd initially let him see, though not so far as Ben and her. He saw the looks and whispers of mistrust she endured from her own people as rumours that the last Jedi and the Jedi killer were allies, friends, or partners. He saw the holo videos published by Hux of security footage of them fighting the praetorian guard together, putting prices on their heads, trying to discredit Rey's propaganda value.

 

"Are you angry?" she asked softly. She wasn't afraid of his anger, she was afraid of his pain.

 

"I'm relieved that you trust me," he said.

 

A strange expression crossed Rey's face, and she looked at something behind him.

 

Ben's bedroom wall had turned into the forest. Four Stormtroopers were crossing the lake on speeders, kicking up a spray of water behind them. One already had his blaster trained on the naked couple tangled in the cloak.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't read the Phasma book, I recommend it :)

"Identification," one of the stormtroopers commanded.

 

Ben eyed them over with his mind. They'd already radio'd back seeing an intruder near the... base.

 

"Of all the uninhabited planets in the outer rim, you picked one that has a secret First Order outpost on it," he said dryly to Rey. "Where are you?"

 

"Al Gonquin," she shrugged. "At least you know it's really a secret, since Poe didn't know."

 

"Stop talking. Let's see some identification."

 

Ben's face twisted into a humourless smile, gesturing to their nudes forms.

 

"And where do you expect we're keeping it?"

 

_ "Two each? We're unarmed." _

 

_ "I've got this." _

 

"You were mistaken, you didn't see anyone here. Carry on with your patrol." Ben's weighty compulsion rang through the brains of the armoured men.

 

Rey held her breath a moment, waiting to see how they'd respond. To her relief, the troopers climbed back aboard their speeders like puppets, and raced off over the water without a backward glance.

 

"It won't hold, you don't have long," Ben said, standing up, distracted from his nakedness.

 

"I'm days away from my ship," Rey said, evaluating her options. "Any chance you could come get me?"

 

"Your light starfighter got lucky slipping past them, but they'd absolutely see my ship on their scans."

 

They were quiet a moment, a creeping fear for Rey's safety sneaking up his back. When he looked down at his new lover, her eyes were closed in concentration, one hand outstretched. He peered inside her mind and found her using every ounce of her mental strength on something.

 

_ Come to me. _

 

_ Come to me. _

 

_ Come to me. _

 

Ben waited, unsure of what she was trying to accomplish, and alarmed at the amount of energy she was consuming to do it. He watched strained lines appear on her face, her mouth pursed with effort. She gasped, going pink.

 

"I'm going to need your help when it gets here," she grunted aloud. "There's isn't enough clear solid ground to land it. You'll have to get me aboard."

 

Realization was dawning on him, followed by fear and awe, followed by pride.

 

She was bringing her ship to her with the Force. And it was working.

 

In a shorter time than he thought possible the grey fighter appeared over the trees and hovered over the water.

 

Ben pitched in, taking the weight of the ship off of her exhausted mind once the x-wing was stationary. Ever so gently he lifted Rey with the Force, and she glided through the air to the cockpit. He raised the glass dome, and she softly plopped inside onto the seat. The engines geared up, the thrusters taking the load from him.

 

 _"All clear, thanks."_   He watched her take off, their conversation uninterrupted by the increasing distance.

 

_ "Where should I meet you?" _

 

_ "I'll head towards Tatooine. We should plan to arrive at the Resistance base together." _

 

_ "There's no way I'm seeing anyone from your side without you as a buffer." _

 

Warmth flooded him through the bond, reassurance.

 

Ben walked back through his little house alone, conscious of the fact that he probably wouldn't return. He wasn't sentimental by nature, but he felt like he'd achieved something important in the space he'd shared in exile with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Another notable failure of a man. Maybe if Obi-Wan had had a Rey in his life it wouldn't have taken him so long to rejoin the world.

 

Over the past couple weeks he had attempted to mentally prepare for the changes he was facing. Throngs of people who would see him as a murderous villain. Individually and corporately every ounce of trust and respect would have to be earned. Loss of independence. Loss of privacy. Mockery. Danger. Deliberate provocation of his legendary, destructive wrath. People trying to separate him from Rey by any means, including lies and mind games. Family members of people whose blood was on his hands.

 

He'd considered it all, and knew he had to bear it with silent grace for Rey's sake. He would be strong enough.

 

Pounding at Ben's front door less than an hour later thoroughly shocked him.

 

He called his lightsaber into his hand with a twitch of his finger, and opened the door a crack.

 

"Get in, loser, we're going to Kashyyyk."

 

A small shuttle was waiting for him outside his door. Chewbacca stood on one side of the ramp with a bowcaster carefully ignonring him, and a stranger with his hands in his pockets stood on the other. Poe Dameron was on the doorstep, looking annoyed.

 

"Maybe put on some pants first."

 

Ben closed the door, and got dressed, scanning the thoughts of the others outside. Rey had reported in to her commander as soon as she'd begun her journey to Tatooine, and rather than wait for her, the rebels had sent a ship that had happened to be passing nearby on their way home from a mission. Ben's shuttle would be recognized anywhere, and Rey wouldn't have room for a passenger, so this had been decided to be the most practical approach to the new "Kylo Ren Problem."

 

The trio weren't happy about it, but they didn't actively mean him harm. That was something.

 

Packing his few possessions only took a minute, and he included the food and water he had handy as to not burden their supplies.

 

_ "Rey, your people are here for me." _

 

_ "Already? I just spoke to them minutes ago." _

 

_ "They happened to be close by, they want me to go with them now." _

 

_ "I'm sorry I'm not with you, I'm low on fuel and I'm at least a day away from Tatooine without using my hyperdrive. This isn't what I wanted at all." _

 

_ "I'll go with them. If you trust them then I'll trust them." _

 

_ "Who is it?" _

 

_ "Chewie, Dameron, some random." _

 

_ "You can trust Chewie and Dameron." _

 

_ "Last time I saw Dameron I was potentially torturing him." _

 

_ "Maybe don't lead with that." _

 

_ "Chewie shot me." _

 

_ "You'd just killed his best- never mind. I'm sure it'll be uncomfortable and they'll be awful. I'm sorry. You don't have to go with them." _

 

_ "But it would be easier for you if I did." _

 

_ "Yes." _

 

_ "Then I will." _

 

Outside, they assessed him, taking in his non-descript clothes and single pack.

 

"How ironic is it that of all the Resistance fighters, you get the three who have met you before," Poe quipped, gesturing for him to go into the ship. Chewbacca had his back turned, no indication he was planning on acknowledging Ben.

 

"Yes, it does seem unlikely. Chewbacca I remember from childhood, and also when he shot me last year. You I remember from when I captured you. Messy escape, but effective in the end. You though," Ben turned to the stranger, "I'm sorry, I don't remember you."

 

He man shrugged. Ben felt apprehension, but no fear from the man. They settled into the shuttle, Poe at the helm and the Wookiee beside him. Ben and the middle-aged stranger sat in the fold-down shuttle seats, and strapped in.

 

"No reason you would. You'd have known me as CD-0922, if you remembered me at all. You can call me Archex now."

 

"Defector?"

 

"Sort of. I was left for dead, and there was this woman I liked who rescued me..."

 

Ben nodded, understanding more than he wanted to say.

 

"My bunkmate died in the last sortie, so I've agreed to share a room with you on the base. I'm not a fan of the idea, but we're crowded and no one else was willing. You'll likely be searched and then confined to the room until Rey arrives."

 

"They're not worried about two former First Order people rooming together and hatching secret plots or whatnot?"

 

"They're concerned with the more immediate risk of you killing them in their sleep."

 

"Great."

 

They were silent awhile, thinking about what lay ahead.

 

"So what do you do with the Resistance?" Ben eventually asked, having caught some strange stray thoughts he didn't understand.

 

"I look after the younglings."

 

Ben couldn't have been more surprised. Archex noticed and gave him a withering expression that reminded him immediately of an old teacher from his childhood. It looked strange on the well-muscled body of a professional soldier, with his precise military haircut, perfect posture.

 

"Wherever there are people there will be children, and they will need to be taught to read and write, and to be protected in times of conflict by someone capable."

 

"And that's you?"

 

"I'd die for them, any of them," he said without bravado. "For that same reason I can't bear to fight the First Order directly. Rebels see targets on white helmets, I see younglings I raised from scraps."

 

Ben searched his memory, frustrated he couldn't place the traitor-turned-ally.

 

"This is a lose-lose war for me," Archex said finally, scraping a scuff mark off the floor with the edge of his perfectly shone boot.

 

"So why join a side at all?"

 

"My wife, Vi, she's a Resistance spy. I want her, I take everything that comes with her."

 

Archex gave Ben a side-eye glance.

 

"I heard from Dameron there that you're attached to the Jedi girl, so I imagine that's why you're here instead of staying in your shack on that craphole desert planet."

 

"Could be worse, could be Jakku."

 

"Good things can come from Jakku. I'm from Jakku. It's a good place to be from ."

 

Ben wasn't good at small talk, but this was the closest thing he'd had to a normal conversation in over a year.

 

"So what was your reception like with these people when you defected? Much trouble?"

 

"Not as much as I had expected. It helped that I had Vi to vouch for me, and then FN-2187 seconded that once we met up later. I had to earn my reputation in between. It helped that I was badly injured when I came over. Always good for sympathy."

 

"What happened?"

 

"I nearly killed Phasma."

 

Ben stared blankly at the man, who gave him a humourless smile.

 

"My last act of loyalty to Brendol Hux, and my last act for the good of the First Order. I failed, she won. I'll tell you about it over a drink sometime."

 

"Archex," called Poe from the cockpit, clearly having been eavesdropping on their conversation. "He's known throughout the galaxy as having the destructive temper of a two year old and you want to chemically  lower  his inhibitions with alcohol?"

 

"FN-2187. The one Rey calls Finn?" Ben asked, changing the subject before it provoked him. "He knew you?"

 

"They all did, those kids. FN-2187 was, I'll admit, not exactly singled out for greatness, but he was a sweet kid. There are some who will never make decent workers, let alone soldiers, and they tend to weed themselves out quickly. Know what Phasma called them? The organ donors." He shook his head. "Boys like FN-2187 were safest for everyone behind a mop, not a blaster, but she'd insist on sending them out for first blood."

 

Ben remembered that fateful night on Jakku, sensing FN-2187's reluctance, his fear, his abhorrence. In the moment he'd shown mercy, which he'd regretted deeply, but the distance of a year made him appreciate the gesture differently.

 

The disconnected soliders spoke in generalities the rest of the flight, occasionally dozing. Ben chose not to dig further into the man's mind to confirm his identity, trying to establish a new respect for privacy he previously hadn't valued. Offering once to take a turn at the helm, he was politely refused, and so was left to boredom.

 

_ "Rey, how's your flight? Are you going to find somewhere to land and sleep tonight?" _

 

 _"Mm-hm,"_   returned her voice, thick with sleep already.  _ "Been asleep an hour now. Someone wore me out today. Can you crawl in beside me?" _

 

He couldn't think of anything he'd wanted more. They'd counted on so much more time together before they'd have to rejoin the world.

 

_ "Sorry, no privacy here. But sleep, I'll see you tomorrow or the day after." _

 

Nervous as Ben was, the idea that he'd be holding the real Rey in his arms soon was calming.

 

They broke into Kashyyyk's atmosphere around what would have been dawn on Tatooine. Archex woke Ben without touching him. His head came up sharply, wiping his eyes with his hands. Anxiety played openly across his young face before he had the presence of mind to hide it.

 

Archex frowned, familiar with the expression. He'd lived on the same ship as Ren for a time, and they'd crossed paths for years, but this was the first time he wondered if he'd misunderstood what he thought he knew.  _What had Snoke been doing to this boy?_

 

"You're going to be safe here, kid. No one in there is going to hurt you. We don't do that here."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a head's up, chapter involves mentions of pregnancy, child loss.

"Alright, we're home," Dameron announced as they touched down on the launchpad. Ben had to admit, the man was an exceptional pilot. He had barely felt the clunker settle on its gear. "Dark lord, with me please."

 

Archex and Chewie hung back to take care of cargo, while Ben grabbed his pack and followed Poe onto the tarmac. Overhead was a massive canvas canopy, mimicking the real canopy of the giant trees encircling the base. Dappled sunlight shone in strobing beams, moving in the wind.

 

"First off, I'm just going to get this off my chest," Dameron said when they'd reached a spot that was out of earshot of others but still had good sight lines. "I'm not happy that you're here. I don't trust you, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. But Rey trusts you, and we trust Rey."

 

Ben nodded, prepared for this and more.

 

"So here's how it'll be. You lose your temper, you hurt anyone, you betray us, you're out of here. One chance, that's what I'm giving you, and that's for Rey's sake." Poe held up a finger, emphasizing its solitary state. "One. Now what happened between you and me, that's in the past and I'll leave it there. From what Rey tells me you've had your own problems, so you don't mention it and I won't."

 

"I understand," Ben said curtly, not expecting the man's generosity. "I also assume my one chance will be regardless of provocation."

 

"Yeah, you're going to have to be better than that. There are people here who have lost loved ones to you personally. You're going to have to handle that like a big boy, without your red toy and magic tricks."

 

Ben nodded again, newfound control over his temper already being tried.

 

"Stick with Archex until Rey's back. I won't confine you to quarters, but don't go anywhere alone. That's for your sake as well as ours right now. Stay out of trouble."

 

Ben hefted his pack and turned to go back to find his enforced companion.

 

"Oh, and what are you going to call yourself here?"

 

Ben shrugged, running a hand through his hair.

 

"I assume people will have a variety of things they'll want to call me. Kylo Ren, murderer, war criminal, monster. You've already covered loser and dark lord."

 

"I'm trying to be respectful here. Trying. So help me out."

 

"Rey calls me Ben Solo."

 

"Goddamn  _Solo_. You need to know how much that makes me want to punch you."

 

"I'm aware," Ben said, failing at keeping all of the acid out of his voice.

 

He had a look around while Archex finished up. Most of the Resistance equipment looked either cheap and new, or old but functional, like it had been donated. It was baffling that with all the money and power the First Order commanded these ragtag people could constantly thwart them with things Rey could have personally scavenged and patched back together.

 

The room he was to share was like a closet. Bare concrete walls, no window, two narrow cots, plain blankets, and two metal lockers. Kenobi's hut seemed grand by comparison, and his quarters with the First Order palatial.  _But Rey will be here, so I don't care if they make me sleep in the sanitation tank._

 

"So why don't you share quarters with your wife?" Ben asked when Archex pointed him to the unmade bed. A stack of folded clean bedding sat on the pillow, one towel, and what looked like standard kit. It was again more than he had anticipated.

 

"I rarely leave base, this was my first trip out for months. The kids are having a bit of a school holiday. Vi, she's only here maybe a few days a month, so she doesn't have a permanent bunk. She sleeps in the women's barracks, like Rey. They've got some beds that they hotsheet."

 

Ben knew enough about military life that he didn't pry, but Archex voiced the answer anyway.

 

"Yeah, when she's here you can kip elsewhere for the night, and I'll return the favour. Privacy is at a premium."

 

Opening the locker Ben found civilian clothes inside.

 

"They belonged to the last guy. May even fit you, no one will mind if you wear them. His wife died the month before him in a bombed out supply run, and their kid is too little to want them," Archex said, voice even, his back to Ben while he turned the combination on his own locker. He changed his jacket, moving items from one set of pockets to another. There was a photo of a imp-faced woman holding up a red knit sweater, smiling fiercely with pride stuck to the back.

 

On the top shelf was a scarlet stormtrooper helmet. 

 

Finally it clicked.

 

"Cardinal," Ben blurted, "you're fucking  Cardinal ."

 

"Slower than I expected, Ren."

 

"Head of the entire stormtrooper training program for a generation and you're holed up in a Resistance nursery?"

 

Archex swung around and his expression was unimpressed.

 

"As opposed to you, who is currently of no use or benefit to anyone."

 

Ben considered all of the possible responses to this before settling.

 

"Yeah, that's true. So why don't you have kids?"

 

Archex's back and shoulders visibly bunched through his clothes, and Ben felt a wave of carefully channeled despair.

 

"You don't ask that. Just don't. Now Leia may have been diplomatic, and Han may have been charming, but neither were known for tact, so I'll give you a pass this time, but don't ask that again. Don't ask anyone that again. Your parents should have taught you things like that."

 

_ "Ben, there's trouble, you'll hear it soon." _

 

_ "What kind of trouble?" _

 

_ "I just passed a First Order convoy bombing a civilian outpost. Poe will be scrambling fighters to meet me. I wanted to give you a head's up before-" _

 

The klaxon began wailing throughout the base, the call for all pilots.

 

_ "Are you safe?" _

 

_ "Yeah, I'm staying out of sight until the rest of my squadron arrive, then I'll join the fleet." _

 

_ "I won't bother pointing out that you're tired and low on fuel." _

 

_ "Nope, don't." _

 

_ "Be safe," _  he said, feeling that pit of fear building in his chest again, the one that made him want to rip the galaxy apart rather than lose her.

 

"You're going to help me," Archex decided, pushing him towards the door. "Follow me, you'll have to run."

 

He dashed off, Ben hard-pressed to catch the older man as he ran through the base. When they entered into the main hanger a young woman in an orange flight suit, also running, passed the former trooper a toddler and changed directions towards her ship without a second look. Archex pressed the youngling's head into his shoulder, diving into a small room with an unmarked door.

 

Inside was a man with a radio headset already calling directions, two little girls at his feet. He swiftly exited, pausing only long enough to give each of his daughters a peck on the top of the head.

 

Archex reached into his jacket and pulled out a thin leather folio with a zipper.

 

"Take this, check off name as they come in."

 

Kylo glanced around, opening the folder. The room was large, filled with toys, some tables and chairs for various ages, a holo screen, a kitchenette, and a partition he suspected held a toilet. Colourful posters and photos of scenery covered the walls, making it by far the friendliest space he'd seen since his own childhood. In one corner was a tall shelf, holding a locked box and office supplies. The door to the room was incredibly thick, and there were no windows.

 

"Is this supposed to be a munitions hold?"

 

"Later, now check off names as I call them."

 

Ben examined the paper inside and the first was a column of names, the rest of the columns scrawled with dates and times.

 

Archex rhymed off the three younglings present, another three dozen poured in over the next five minutes.

 

"That's everyone on base right now, we're locking up," he said, holding a screaming infant. "Put on the black coat on that peg, and take the baby."

 

Ben reluctantly did both. To his shock, the baby nuzzled deep into the fabric and calmed, whimpering slightly against his neck.

 

"It's her father's. You're going to be sleeping in his bed," Archex explained, already moving on to calm the other distressed small ones. Ben watched older children take responsibility for the younger, starting up the animated holo vid, seeing if anyone needed potty, handing out snacks.

 

Ben shifted the baby to check what Archex knew without looking on the page, that he'd marked off all but one name. The last one was crossed out, with  _FO CASUALTY_   and a date of a few days previous.

 

This was a part of the war Ben hadn't had to consider. He looked behind the page and for each youngling there was a form of information about health, contacts, and most ghoulish, parents wishes incase capture was unavoidable scrawled on the back.

 

"What the fuck is this," Ben whispered when the other man returned. "Would some really rather see their kid die than be taken to become stormtroopers?"

 

"Yes," he answered simply. "And don't ask me if I'm capable of following through because I don't know. I actually just don't know, and I'll tell you, if I'm having nightmares, it's about this. That lock box? It's a blaster to protect the kids, or do the unthinkable. Still think I have the easy job?"

 

"What happened to this one?" Ben pointed at the name.

 

"Family was trying to get him to his aunt and uncle's on Naboo, didn't make it. Nowhere is safe now, so these kids might as well stay with their parents. You got baby Luke to sleep, that's good."

 

"Luke," Ben frowned, trying not to shift the warm bundle.

 

"Yeah, baby Luke. FN-2187, Finn now I guess, and his girl have him most of the time since he lost his parents. They need the practice."

 

"Rey mentioned they were... expecting."

 

"Idiot didn't know First Order implants are annuals."

 

The back of Ben's neck started to burn a little.

 

"Annuals?"

 

Archex frowned at him, and scooped up a crawler pawing at his knees.

 

"Yeah, it's part of your annual physical. It's in the shot, the one that stings. Don't they tell you kids this? Lasts an extra month if you're lucky, cheap bastards. Dameron said you'd been missing over a year, so better hit the medbay later unless you want tiny Force-users mucking about with this noisy bunch."

 

Ben crushed his lips together, grateful Archex was called away to resolve a battle brewing over a toy.

 

_ "Rey, are you alright?" _

 

_ "Is that a baby?" _

 

_ "I'll explain later. What's going on?" _

 

_ "See for yourself," _  she offered, her concentration on her console.

 

Using her eyes, Ben saw the dogfight unfold around him. The First Order bombers were outnumbered, and unsupported by a star destroyer. It was just a matter of time before the Resistance picked off the TIEs. Rey avoided a great deal of burning debris, bits of ships from both sides represented.

 

He swallowed down a surge of fearful anger that Rey was in harm's way, controlling his body so that he exerted no additional pressure on the fragile child on his shoulder.

 

_"Got him!"_   Rey crowed, taking out a TIE on her tail with a sophisticated maneuver he recognized as having likely been drawn from his own mind. He recognized the TIE before it exploded into flames as well. It belonged to one of his own squadron.

 

Ben felt sick, watching his lover rejoice over killing a man he'd trained.

 

Archex,  _Cardinal_ ,  had been right. This was a lose-lose war.

 

When the skirmish ended, and people began to return from their consoles, ships, comm towers, fire stations, and command rooms, they stopped to pick up their younglings. Ben helped keep track, grateful that most of the galaxy couldn't recognize the former supreme leader without his mask.

 

"I'm here to pick one up," said a most welcome voice at the door. "He's very tall, scowly, likes to throw tantrums."

 

"In the corner being covered in stickers," Archex pointed without looking, changing the baby.

 

Rey grinned at him, lighting up the room. Ben could tell she was exhausted, but jubilant. He farewelled the cluster of remaining kids who had surrounded, and stood prepared for the attack he knew was coming. She launched herself at him, throwing her arms around his neck. He caught her around the waist and just held her.

 

"I got a tow home," she explained, eyes warming to his.

 

"Medbay," Archex reminded Ben.

 

"I'm fine," Rey reassured him, "not a scratch."

 

"No, your supreme boyfriend has an expired implant."

 

Rey released Ben all at once, stepping back.

 

"I'm pretty sure hugging is fine," Archex commented dryly.


	6. Chapter 6

It was with a bandage on his arm and a frown on his face that Rey led Ben by the hand into the mess hall that evening.

He was ravenous, but the idea of eating a communal meal with a large group of people who would have cheerfully murdered him didn't seem overly appetizing. Rey handed him a metal tray and they stood in line, fingers entwined. He tried not meet the eyes of their onlookers, but unpleasant surface thoughts drifted his way regardless.

Loaded up with plain but nutritious fare, Rey dropped his hand to begin eating while she walked.

"All pilots to the main hangar, all pilots to the main hangar," the loud speaker beckoned. Cheeks bulging, Rey gave Ben an apologetic look and handed him her tray.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," she promised, her brown eyes soft. Swallowing quickly, she went up on her toes, threw her arm around his neck and kissed him soundly. He couldn't stop her, hands balancing both trays. One person whistled. Ben felt his ears burn. Rey finally released him and skittered off for the double doors.

Now the undesirable task of finding a place to sit. It felt like he was a teenager again, constantly out of place in groups. Some people shifted empty chairs away, filled them with jackets, looked terrified, or dared him to try to sit at their table.

Deciding to break what was probably the rules, he was about to leave with his food when an unexpected voice came from behind him.

"You can sit next to me, Ben," announced Poe, loud and carrying. He guided Ben to a table with an unfamiliar young woman in oily coveralls, another with golden braids coiled around her ears, and FN-2187, who had a spoon frozen on its way to his mouth, dropping onto his trousers.

"Thank you," he said cautiously to Poe. "Don't you have to go too?"

"Don't thank me. I'm just trying to be a good leader. I still hate you."

"Poe, that's not kind," the golden hair woman chastised.

"Don't lecture me on this, Kaydel," he said bluntly. "If it were anyone else I'd be kinder."

Ben sat down next to the woman in coveralls, feeling the emptiness of the sixth seat where Rey should be. Poe left to join the pilots.

"I'm Rose," said the woman beside him. "I think it was brave of you to come here. It would have been easier to leave the First Order and go literally anywhere other than here."

"This is where Rey wants to be," he responded. He could still feel the tingle of her kiss, and wondered if she realized that it had been their first in public, and only second in person.

"I imagine you'll be lonely when she's not here. It'll be tough to be so isolated at first."

"To be fair, no one really liked him in the First Order either," Finn pointed out, challenge in his tone. "Feared, hated, but never liked."

"Rey likes him," Rose said sternly, pinching his shoulder, "so you will be civil."

"He slashed open my back! He threw Rey into a tree! I watched him order the deaths of an entire village. He KILLED HAN SOLO!" Finn was speaking so loudly by the end people at other tables were looking. "So forgive me if I don't feel like having supper with the guy like we're old friends."

"I'm sorry," Ben said simply, but sincerely. "I can't undo it, and I will live with that. I'm a product of what I was made, but that only goes so far. You should understand that."

Finn looked like he wanted to explode, and for a moment he worked his jaw like he was chewing words, but he deflated, forking his food with stabbing motions.

"Yeah I do," he said fairly. "You left the First Order only what, a few weeks after I did? I'm here because I followed Poe out, you're here because you followed Rey out. I was brainwashed from childhood, I've heard Snoke's been fucking you up since childhood."

Ben frowned, surprised by Finn's generous assessment. Watching his warm features move, he realized the man had a natural charm to him that made you want to trust him. This is the man who manages to tear Rey away from Jakku. That's some feat of persuasion.

"Like child soldiers, that's what we were," Finn continued, leaning towards Ben. "You know I talk to people here and they weren't handed their first blaster or lightsaber before puberty. They didn't fall asleep every night to the sound of recordings explaining the atrocities of the rebellion and the virtues of the First Order. They had families and got to be kids."

Ben nodded noncommittally. He hadn't expected to be let off by Rey's friend so easily.

"And now you have Rey."

"Rey is like a sister to me, she's my family now."

"Just a sister?" Ben couldn't help ask. His jealousy had been in check, but the former stormtrooper had been living with Rey for a year now after they'd formed their instant bond on Jakku.

"Finn's spoken for," Rose added dryly, while Finn responded emphatically at the same time.

"She wasn't interested, and if Rey's not interested you leave her the hell alone. I've seen her beat the shit out of men with that staff for getting to close."

Resisting the urge to growl with possessive pride that he'd been invited to be her mate, Ben averted his eyes to his tray.

"I've been on the receiving end of Rey's rage before," Ben admitted instead. _She's fucking glorious._

"Yeah," Kaydel, the blonde women in the comm uniform spoke up. "I heard that was her handiwork." She gestured to the scar bisecting Ben's face. "If you want, sometime," she said hesitantly, "I can show you her memorial."

A trio of people walked by the table, one turning to stare hard into Ben's eyes. With great focus and emphasis she thought words to clearly that he was meant to overhear them.

_"Go die in a fire, murderer."_

She walked off, head held high, and dumped her tray in the collection bin.

"So what do you do here," he asked as a general question. He felt like the sooner he found a task, or some structure for his endless future days here, the better.

"Command comms," said the blonde girl, "I used to work with your mum."

"Engineering," chirped Rose with a proud smile.

"And you?" Ben met Finn's wary glance.

"I provide intelligence on the First Order's day to day operations," he stated bluntly. "Yes, I'm a traitor."

Rey wasn't back before the mess hall began to clear, so Ben saved her what he could carry and asked to be pointed back the way to his room. Finn agreed to take him, which surprised even the young man who offered.

Ben had discovered the Finn was quick to trust, quick to like, and quick to speak, but he'd seen the man gravely pick up a lightsaber to face a monster, prepared to die to protect her. He made have been a deserter to the First Order's military, but it wasn't cowardice that drove him to the Resistance.

"Good night, Cardinal," Finn said, ducking his head into the double room.

"Night, Finn," Cardinal responded with a wave. He'd evidentially missed dinner to prepare for the next day's classes, a meal bar wrapper on the desk beside him.

"I hope you can get some sleep. At least you've got Cardinal here. It's nice to have someone here who understands the shit we've seen."

Finn exited, and Ben noticed the crude stitching up the back of his leather jacket.

"Yeah, you did that," Archex said calmly, following his line of sight. "When you did that number on his back. Poe tried to fix it up for him."

Ben sorted through the clothes in the chest looking for something to sleep in, before deciding just to strip down to his shorts and a loose shirt. He heard Archex give a low whistle as he stripped off his tunic.

"How much of that is from fighting Snoke's guards?"

Ben pursed his lips, turning around to get the inspection over with.

"None. Chewbacca," he pointed to the grey hand sized burn mark on his abs, "Rey," he pointed to his slash on his hip, "Rey," he pointed to the stab scar on his shoulder, "and Rey." He traced the long line down his face and shoulder.

"Must be love."

"To be fair I did hunt her down, kidnap, interrogate, and torture her a bit."

"Did he tell you that was how we met?" asked a cool female voice from the doorway. A small woman stood there, shoulder bag bursting with dangles of blue wool, with eyes only for Archex.

"Cardinal here hunted down my ship once he'd heard I'd just left Parnassos, stole me away to a secret interrogation room, and tortured me for days, mostly with his company."

"Maker save us poor men from dangerous women. You're back early, Vi," Archex said warmly. Very warmly. Ben hastily threw a few things in his pack.

"Goodnight, Ben," the older man said pointedly, reaching for his wife.

Ben closed the door behind him, at loose ends.

_"Rey?"_

_"We're finishing up, it was just an exercise."_

_"I saved you some food."_

_"Have I told you that I love you?"_

_"No, actually."_

_"Oh. Well. I do."_

Ben paused a moment.

_"I love you, Rey. Also I have no where to sleep tonight. Suggestions?"_

" _What happened to your bunk?"_

Ben let Rey hear some of the noises that were already drifting out from the little room.

" _Oh."_

_"Poe indicated I'm not welcome in the general men's barracks."_

_"You could slip in late, after most of the day shift is asleep?"_

_"That's true. No chance we could find a place together for the night?"_

_"A few places we could spend a bit of time, but not for the night,"_ she said regretfully.

They ended up an hour later tucked inside the tool room off of the hangar. It was too small for chairs, but it had floor space for two adults to sit side by side, and a door that closed and locked.

Rey had brought, at his request, the Jedi texts, and he had brought her picnic dinner. He turned the books over, flipped through the delicate pages.

"The fact that you can read that ancient writing is highly attractive," Rey observed with her mouth full. Ben did make quite the picture, his hair falling over his thoughtful eyes, his handsome features schooled in concentration.

"I thought you only found me attractive when I'm masked and cloaked and terrifying," he observed, not looking at Rey. The hint of bitterness did not go unnoticed. "Currently I'm an unemployed, impoverished, patricidal deserter with a damaged psyche, and universally either hated or pitied or both. Not exactly the stuff of fantasies."

"Ben," Rey said agast, crumbs spilling down her chin as her mouth dropped. In this moment there was nothing particularly fantastical about her either. She was bone weary after non-stop flying, stressed about him being here, and aching with a loneliness that he was not currently helping to abate.

"I'll tell you what," he said, trying to keep the conversation from becoming maudlin. "Would it be helpful if I translated these for you? Would you want them word for word or more colloquial? It would give me something useful to do."

"Please," Rey agreed, anxious.

It felt like there was an wall of awkwardness between them.

"Today was always going to be awful," Rey said, taking his hand gently enough that he could pull away. "We thought we'd have more time to connect before we had to face the world. We thought we'd be able to deal with all this together but I couldn't be here for you. However you feel now is the beginning of building something new, you won't always feel like this."

"It feels impossible that less than a day ago I was inside of you," he said in a low tone, stroking her fingers.

"I'm too tired to prove this physically right now, but I've claimed you Ben Solo. You're mine," she said, no trace of humour. "Just you wait."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: The responsible thing to do is wait until tomorrow to look this over for typos and autocorrect since you hammered this out on your phone's notepad.
> 
> Also me: Pooooooooost it.


End file.
